desolation | ♕ DUPLICITY

[ it would be naive and rather childish to believe that nothing had happened between them and soon as the words leave him, vague in their delivery, she knows what he's attempting to convey while cowardly avoiding complete honesty.

he's had a number of lovers in this city, as has she. and yet, for the first time in hearing of him with another, she feels sick in her belly, tight in her throat, skin burning hotter.

she pulls her fingers from his, taking a step back. ]

So, then — [ even still, her voice maintains itself calm and quiet, but her words are evidently tighter. ] I would imagine that you were well occupied together, growing reacquainted, that you must have failed to find the time to make any mention of me as well. Am I wrong?

[ she knows what it is for the city to place an influence on their actions. but her eyes are darker, as if it's almost more upsetting that he would seek it as an excuse. ]

( even though this is the reaction he wanted to avoid, he knows that lying to her and having her find out later would have been even worse. yes, he'd told her in a cowardly way but at least he'd told her.

his hand drops when she removes hers from his grip and he stands there, allowing her to throw the words at him. he straightens, meeting her dark gaze. )

It wasn't like that, Morgana. ( and it truly hadn't been. ) We were speaking — nearly arguing — when something happened to the both of us and I couldn't think past whatever it was that made me want to do...those things.

( it was hard to fight whatever had been in the air but he knows he hadn't tried either. )

Right, of course.

[ her lips curl into a smile but it bears no amusement, gone as quickly as it comes as her arms cross over he body, spine straightening.

she's aware of how difficult it is to fight succumbing to the mental suggestion of the rooms in this city. if it isn't in the food and liquid, then there are always other means for them to achieve compliance. but it's difficult to imagine that that's all it was. she doesn't trust that it was. ]

And have you spoken to her since?

Edited 2021-11-23 13:36 (UTC)

Yes. I offered to help her after she'd gotten robbed in the Down. She allowed me to think she accepted and then didn't arrive to where we were going to meet.

( he's not sure if something happened or if it was just yennefer's way of grabbing the advantage. he hasn't wanted to ask and he doubts he'd get an honest answer from her anyway. )

I haven't seen her since then.

( little does he know that vanessa's going to offer her employment at a place he tends to be around often enough. )

[ robbed? and after she'd warned her about being more careful. morgana sighs without an immediate response. instead, she turns, making her way to the kitchen where she pulls out a bottle of wine, but when she grabs for a glass, she only pulls out one, voicing no offer to geralt when she walks back.

she continues to say nothing when she comes back, placing the glass upon the table and pouring. rather than savor the flavor, she downs it, dipping her head back to gulp it down. afterwards, she pours again.

with another long sigh, she keeps her eyes on the wine. ]

I didn't tell her of us because it was your responsibility to do so. Not mine.

I am going to tell her.

( little does he know that yennefer is already well aware of the relationship that exists between the two of them. he's not looking forward to that conversation when it inevitably occurs.

he says nothing about the lack of second glass. he stands there and watches her drink, trying to find the words he needs to use to fix this. )

Trust me.

( could he ask that of her? too late, he's already done it. )

Well, that certainly would have been far easier to do if you hadn't immediately fucked her.

[ her tone is more sour now, taking another drink of wine and placing it back down on the table roughly, just barely avoiding cracking the glass.

she doesn't give him a chance to reply before she immediately continues, ]

And before you insist that it is all credited to the city's influence, consider for a moment where I stand. Consider that you watched an old love of mine appear in the city, that I lay in their bed after being so adamant to you that it was in the past, that they wanted nothing to do with me —

[ her voice sharpens, but there's pain in it too, frustration as she begins to walk her way back towards him, not steering her eyes away. ]

Consider that I didn't speak your name once, that I made no mention of finding love anew, that I treated you like a shamed secret, one I kept to preserve the taste of an old lover. Consider, as I fuck them without reservation, that I assured you in a promise that you were not a replacement, that the place I wanted to be was here with you. Consider me!

[ she nearly shouts it, finger pressing hard to point at her chest, eyes both angry and hurt. when she speaks again, she is quiet once more. ]

And then try asking me again to trust you.

( there is a desire to argue, to defend himself because he doesn't want to be wrong. he doesn't typically mind being made into the monster of the stories but he finds that he doesn't much like it right now.

she presses on and on, dressing him down and he stands there and takes it. what else is he going to do? she's not wrong. he knows she's not wrong even if a part of him wants to find a way to put some of the blame elsewhere.

but it rests on his shoulders and his jaw tightens as she pokes at him and yells at him and reminds him of his words from the past.

he supposes it's a miracle that she'd only poked him with a finger and hadn't stabbed him again. )

I — ( he finds himself at a loss for words, nothing that comes to mind anything that he wants to say to her because it would only make things worse. )

You are not a replacement. I was sincere in that. I have no intention to replace you or abandon you.

( they both risk much with this relationship and he has no desire to let it go. )

You don't have to trust me. You don't even have to be around me but I meant that.

[ it's almost pitiful that he would use those words on her again, that he would even try to use words at all to offer assurance in a moment like this. words and words — it's no longer enough. ]

And I'm sure you truly believe it. [ she sighs, disappointment in her breath. ] But I don't.

[ her shoulders sink, her eyes still hardened in their stare. ]

I still feel the grip on my throat from the clenched hand of a man who voiced his love for me as a father. I still taste the poison on my tongue from the water offered to me by a man who assured me of his love as a dear friend. And I still bear the scar upon my back from the blade thrusted there by a man who insisted the devotion and loyalty of his love as a brother.

[ her lip quivers, stepping closer to him and leaning up close to his mouth, voice sharp. ]

I hold no trust in any man's words. Not even yours.

( he doesn't know what to do with that. he knows that he should be upset, sad, but he finds himself angry instead. he tamps it down as best he can but his jaw tightens of its own volition.

a protective measure, he thinks, to keep himself from the hurt that what she says causes. for several seconds after her clipped words find their mark, he just stands there and stares before he straightens. )

Very well.

( what else is there to say to her right now? she's not going to listen to his words and there's no action he can take that would change her mind.

so, he turns to leave instead, letting her have her space away from him since that seems to be the best choice in this matter. )

[ her words should come as no surprise to him for he should know it all already, knowing too that at her heart is the mark where the accumulation of those betrayals had resulted in the piercing wound that eventually ended her life.

and it's that very heart that is far too fragile at the subject of loyalty. knowing what she knows, how easy it had been for him to succumb with yennefer's return, it's far too great a risk for her to give away too much of herself.

she watches him turn, a gripping weight squeezing against her chest. she could certainly leave it at that, but she doesn't. ]

Is that all you have then?

( he doesn't expect her to speak again but she does and he stops, spine stiffening. he stops at the door, staring at it before he turns back around and stares at her. he's not sure what else he could have that would be acceptable. )

Whatever you might think of me, I had no intention to hurt you. You can believe that or not but it's the truth.

( but she tells him that his words are meaningless so he doubts she'll believe him. he says it anyway, giving his head a shake as he does. )

If you can so easily add me to the list of people who've done you wrong, that's fine. Do what you must. But I want you to remember a few things.

( he steps closer to her once more, some resolve back in his expression. )

I am not like your father or your brother or anyone else that's left scars on you. And I think you know that. But if this is how you protect yourself, so be it. We both know it's wrong, though.

Is it wrong?

[ she knows he isn't those men, but all the same, she also knows that there are no guarantees of his promises. not when his immediate actions to yennefer's arrival have been enough to cast doubt.

as he steps closer, she does the same. ]

I have been abandoned in my life more times than I can count, all by people who have vowed to stay by my side, until I was left betrayed and broken and alone, having to mend the pieces for myself. I built an armor around my soul so that I wouldn't be shattered like that ever again, and then, you — !

[ her voice shakes, dry, and she swallows, looking up to him with an honest gaze, like a silent plea she won't voice. ]

I opened my heart to you. I offered it to you, but now ... now I need to know you would fight for it. I don't need you to tell me. I need you to show me that you won't merely take it for granted, that you won't abandon it in favor of another, that you won't just pretend I've stopped existing while you're with someone else. Because you're absolutely right. This is how I protect myself. Because even if you have no intention of hurting me, I can't leave myself vulnerable to being broken by you if you're not even certain that you won't.

It is wrong! Because I haven't abandoned you, Morgana. I have been here through your dismissals of me, your anger with me, your stabbing me, your attempts to kill me and I am still here.

( his voices pitches a little higher, anger slipping out from underneath his steely facade. she has a right to be angry with him, he knows, but he can't quite keep himself completely contained. )

You told me you are a monster and I fought to convince you you were not. You asked me to make promises to you and I did. You love another, Morgana, and that's fine. But you fault me for forgetting you when I hope that I am not the one on your mind when you're with her.

( because that's not fair to vanessa. )

Protect yourself. I understand why you're going to do that. But I'm not going to let you craft a story that I have been this kind of monster in waiting all this time.

Don't you bring her into this.

[ her voice tightens, teeth clenched almost protectively. ]

I have been honest to you from the very start about Vanessa, to both of you. And the promises we made to one another were with that in mind. But this ... this isn't what we promised.

[ she dreads this side of herself, the side that clings with desperation to a sense of loyalty, so frightened of losing what it hers after how often she's been left with nothing. she has become a selfish child, but her fingers shake, trembling like a young girl. ]

You promised me your quiet moments. You promised me you wouldn't look at another the way you look at me. You ... you said they were only mine. That you were mine, and — and with her here, I don't think that even you can guarantee that those promises can still be kept.

I'm not bringing her into this.

( but there's a petty, selfish thought in his head that she can love more than one person, why can't he? it doesn't even matter if it's yennefer or if it were someone else, it sounds like he's not allowed.

but he shakes that away because that thought will do no one any good. this isn't a time to throw a tantrum. )

I cannot stop you from thinking what you're going to think. If you want to think so little of me, so be it, Morgana. There is nothing I can say to change your mind, I know that now.

( he's never been that good with words in the first place and now, having to use so many. )

I haven't broken those promises though. Even if you think I have.

[ she knows the intention of mentioning vanessa, of what he's accusing her of. but she remains selfish in her reasoning, not wanting to admit what she's desperately trying to cling to. she doesn't want to share him, not with another, not in the way that they've been together.

"The way you look at me — would you look at another the same way?"
"I wouldn't. It's only been you."

perhaps it was naive of her to think such a promise would last, and despite his words now, his insistence, she recalls the dream she'd had of him and yennefer, and she knows — he would give her such a look. and though she knows that there is a part of this that makes her unreasonable, she also knows that such a test would eventually be inevitable. ]

Then tell her.

[ she steps up to him, straightening as she looks to his eyes, firm in her words. ]

Tell her of us. Of what we are and what you truly feel for me. If you do and you know you can hold true to your promises, then you may speak to me again. If not — [ there's a momentary strain in her voice and she takes a breath, trying to remain composed. ] If you confront her and you find there's even a shred of doubt in you that you won't be able to keep your promises to me, then ... then don't bother coming back.

I really don't like ultimatums such as this.

( it's all or nothing. he hates it. he hates it because he doesn't know if it's possible and if it's not, she's going to take herself away from him and he doesn't know how he's going to deal with that.

he breathes raggedly, staring at her and then turns away, stalking towards the door and throwing it open. he stops in the doorway, shoulders tense and back ramrod straight.

he'd planned on telling yennefer all of this because she deserved to know just as morgana deserved to have it known. but he doesn't like this choice she's presented him and he never will.

he thinks to say something but then just reaches back for her door and shuts it behind him, angrily stomping away. )

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